It’s been awhile. I hope everyone is safe and continuing to focus on self love, especially during this challenging time. 2020 is one for the books for sure!
Last week I decided that I need to be more proactive about my health and wanted to establish care with a primary doctor. Since the big move, I’ve been going to my gynecologist and just having them do my labs for cholesterol, etc and no issues of course so I never felt the need to add another doctor to my annual rotation. But, I’m getting closer to 5-0! And there’s extra with each milestone so felt that I needed to establish care with a primary to make sure I’m not missing anything.
Well, during a global pandemic these experiences are already a little more stressful than before. But the process of getting to the exam room was similar other than the extra protocols in place to keep everyone safe.
When I got on the scale. Honestly I already knew what it was going to say. I’ve gained ~30 pounds or so. I knew it. Even though I don’t weigh myself at home I knew it.
Our lives have been distributed
My routine is not the same. As much as I try to make a new routine it’s not the same. There’s no 10k steps at work anymore. Just the 25 steps from the bed to the kitchen and maybe 15 steps from the kitchen to my office.
My workout routine is blah. I’m unsure all the time how I feel about being in public, even social distanced and masked up. I’ve gone to the yoga studio several times and that’s nice. But it’s on the other side of town and during the week is not always an option. Additionally because this part of my routine is different, my energy level and fatigue from sitting at my desk, headset on, talking ALL DAY is a real struggle. I try to make up new challenges… but they fizzle some times. So I’m not working out consistently as I was before.
My meal prep game is more like a leftover storage process vs a plan. Now that I’m home all day I feel more obligated to cook as we go. This is a mental thing. It ends up being a random preparation or door dash. You literally can get anything delivered now!!
And then there’s my attitude. Probably should have started with that first. I’m an introvert so being home all day is not good. It’s too easy for me. It’s now to the point that social settings are stressful or less of an interest, more so than pre-pandemic. I’m perfectly content watching Netflix on my down time which is not helpful at all. And the awkward human connections, constant medical discussions, public criticism of others… are just a few things contributing to the stress and mental fatigue for us all. So I’m not alone, but the introvert in me wants to just avoid it all.
Ok, back to the doctor’s visit.
First time meeting her. And the majority of the time was spent focused on my weight. Let me rephrase that. Focused on a number some metal box told her. From there was judgement…
- You need to lose weight
- It’s best to do at least 60 min of cardio… after I shared that I do yoga, walk, Camp Gladiator (although on a bit of a hiatus at the moment, but that’s not the point).
- Or when I shared I lost almost 100 pounds, she kept probing what program did I use, and how long it took me… only to criticize both aspects… and more than one mention that what she finds most successful is a persons ability to be consistent at the changes they make…
Ugh, this conversation gave me all kinds of emotions.
I felt disappointment and frustration because she spent more time selling her weight loss services and spitting details on how to have a healthy lifestyle that I already know… rather than using this first appointment to develop a relationship with me.
I felt shamed and judged because I haven’t kept my routine consistent and I’ve gained weight during this GLOBAL PANDEMIC… and nothing like a stranger pointing this out while I sit in my vulnerability.
Needless to say, I left that appointment having feelings that I hadn’t had for a while. It triggered me and it took me several days to get to this point to write about it.
My health is not a number on a scale. Those 3 digits are only a snapshot in time. How I feel and other aspects of my life are way more important indicators.
Btw my blood work was fine. My cholesterol was a little high, but likely caused from my binge eating homemade cookies my mom sent me. She uses really butter and sugar… and she sent me 3 dozen. And they are amazing! I did put some in the freezer. That’s progress right? LOL
So I’m working to get back to that mindset. Our lives are still disrupted. And we all need to have grace for ourselves during this time. I know why I stress eat. I did the work to understand this. I know that I do it when I need comfort. So, I will continue to work on addressing that need. But this is something that will forever be there. I will always be a work in progress. And that’s OK!
Let’s focus on how we feel right in this moment. No shame, no judgement. Just do a scan. If you don’t feel good. Acknowledge that. If you’re stressed or heartbroken. Acknowledge that too.
But with that acknowledgment we need to also recognize that this too is just a snapshot like the number on the scale. And we can move past this moment and take steps to feel better. We can choose ourselves. We can change our order for lunch to something that serves us more. We can take that walk or show up for yoga at home… and not let the long day of virtual meetings distract us. We can make that choice. And yes it’s hard. But it’s possible.
I’m not where I was a year ago. And that’s ok. I need to accept that. Today is a new day. I’m going to choose to move. I’m going to find more veggies on my plate. And I’m going to check in more often with myself to ask how I’m doing. And if I’m struggling, I’m not going to be afraid to ask for help.
But I’m NOT going to feel shame or let someone or something make me feel less than.
I’m going to find joy in this journey, because it’s my journey, and my worth is not determined by the 3 digits on a metal box.
I choose me. And I encourage you to choose you.
Let’s feel healthy and strong.
3 John 1:2 NKJV “Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers.”
Wishing everyone a safe and wonderful holiday season!